Fucked up...

It has been a disastrous Indian trip for me so far... Never has a trip home been so disastrous before...

And today was the pinnacle of disasters... I broke down in front of my family and couldn't really tell them the reason. I have been feeling too alone, too let down, too left out... Was trying to tackle it so far but then couldn't. We were sitting and watching TV and I just broke down... nothing triggered it but just that couldn't hold it in further.

Assured the family that I am fine and that it will get alright... They are worried.. they are worried about me going back and staying alone again... in fact, I am worried too... I don't want to stay alone any longer... Maybe I do want to switch back to India... may be it was really a bad decision to move to Amsterdam.. there is no job satisfaction, there is no personal satisfaction, there is basically nothing... why did I move.. I shouldn't have. And now, I don't know what to do... it is too early maybe to switch back... No idea what I would do... I just don't want to stay there any longer I think...

I don't know what's in store... I don't know what I will decide... I don't know how I will handle this... all I know is that I am just too fucked up at this point in time... !! :-(