The Angel...

At times in your lifes, such things happen which force you to think. Things which force you to think that God does indeed create angels on this earth. Things which force you to think that God does indeed create a special angel for you on this earth. By this I don't mean to say that this special angel of yours will be with you all your life or this special angel will be your life partner. But just that you should know that God created that angel for you... maybe for a limited period of your life.

I have indeed found such an angel. I see my dreams in her eyes. She helps me dream things which I always feared to dream. She simply says "Don't worry... I am there" and I feel that I can even reach out for the stars.

We fight a lot with each other. There are things in her that I don't like and there are things in me which she detests. Today she said something to me... "I feel that we are trying to find out the perfect partners for us in each other. And in this process we are just hurting each other. So let's just accept each other as we are and if it has to happen, it will. Let's not fight anymore." These words got imprinted in my mind. Though I don't agree completely with the "accept as we are" part. Coz I personally believe that any relationship is based on some compromises from both the involved parties. But yes, she does hold a point there. She does hold a point when she says that we should not try to find the perfect partners. Angel, I promise that I take that point. And I promise that in some post of mine, I will start this para with "We USED to fight a lot". :-)

The reason that I am writing all this here is that I think I can convey something by this post. And what I want to convey to you is: "Don't spoil a beautiful relation in your life just because you want that relation to be something else". May be, it is supposed to be the way it is and not the way you want it to be. Life is too short, just enjoy every moment you spend with your angel. Might sound too philosophical. Yes, as a human you are bound to have some expectations. But just that keep them to the minimum. And trust me, the day both of you start feeling the same for each other... none of you will want the expectations to be minimum. Because it indeed feels good if the other person expects something from you. At times, it makes you feel special... after all you don't expect things just from anyone right?

At the end of this post... I would just show a little disbelief myself on the starting of my post. Though I say that it may be for a limited period of time... but hey angel, I want you to stay...

Loving her self-lessly!!!

It is not a poem this time. Somehow felt like just penning down whatever I am feeling right now and somehow thought that it wont be possible in the form of a poem.

Have a thought in my mind today. Might sound too philosophical, but then who cares if you think that it is just philosophical. I created this place not for you to enjoy reading and agree with, but for myself to write down what I feel. And here I am, doing just the same.

I was wondering today about loving someone self-lessly. I mean that may sound too weird on the first go. But give it a second thought. When you love someone.. do you really put a condition for that person to love you back??? (I know that sounds like a dialogue by shahrukh from Mohabatein... but that's what I am feeling right now). As per what I think, the answer to that is a plain "No". You just love a person. And that's all. And that should be sufficient for you to know.

Why do we expect things from somebody? If I love a girl, why do I expect her to do something for me. I should understand the simple fact that it is me who loves her and she doesn't reciprocate the feelings. But if this is so easy to understand, then why do I find it so hard to accept it??? Well, the fact remains... "It is not easy to get used to this fact". And this is human nature I believe. But in the process of learning to accept this fact, I myself make life tough for me and for that girl. Again a question... is this right? In fact, when I think of it I feel that there is no right or wrong in this. It's just a matter of perception. Both of us are right as per our own perceptions. I would feel that this girl should at least help me in getting used to the fact that she doesn't love me. And in this process, I will feel that she should care for me just a little more when I need her. On the other hand, the girl will treat me just as "another" friend. And this is where the problem starts. The end result of this entire process is that I and she will end up ruining our relationship on the whole. No matter how good friends we were earlier, but this process will just ruin it all!!!

Why do we let things go this far? If I think about it twice, I realise that it is only my fault. She was happy to be the best of friends with me. It was my mistake to misunderstand that as something else. It was my mistake to expect her to love me back the same way as I love her. I see my life companion in her... but it was my mistake to expect her to feel the same... In essence, it is my mistake to let this relationship go away.

But as they say... it is never too late. I will not let this relation fade away just like that. I will be there when she needs me. I will be happy to do anything for her. But I will not expect anything from her. After all... I have loved her!!! And finally... I am learning to love her self-lessly!

Learning to live alone!

Finally... I am learning to live alone,
It's the toughest learning I have ever had...
I learnt it the hard way though,
To have learnt it, I feel glad.

I have learnt to go out and eat alone,
I have learnt to watch movies alone.
Hardest thing to do really... but after this,
To getting hurt you are less prone.
So just go out there and enjoy,
This is the way it should be done.
Time is the biggest healer they say,
Someday... you have to burn yourself in the sun...

There is no other way out,
Time only can teach you this.
In this otherwise sad world,
Living alone is the only bliss.
So cheer up dear friend and don't be sad,
For being alone, do not blame the lord.
After all you don't learn to fight,
Until you really get injured by the sword...

Fight it out... and they say "Go on!"
Finally... I am learning to live alone...
I am learning to live alone!!!

Don't know what to do...

Yet again I am down in the dumps,
Yet again I am wondering what to do.
Yet again I am getting no solution,
Yet again I think that I should just go...

Things are just getting too much for me,
And I just dont know how to handle.
To me every passing day just seems like,
Another nail pushed deep into my cradle.
How I wish I could work my way out,
How I wish I could learn to live life.
At the moment I am just surviving,
How I wish I could just dance the jive!!!

But this just seems to be a dream,
And dreams don't really come true...
I know that I will keep on suffering,
It is not easy to come out of the blue.
I need to come out of this soon,
Before the day I decide to just run away.
And that day doesnt seem too far off,
Someday soon is going to be that today...

As of today I know only one thing,
That there doesn't seem to be a tomorrow.
And in this cold heartless today,
I am just lost and I don't know what to do...
I simply don't know what to do!!!

You always go alone!!!

Another negative post is what is up,
I dont want to write this for sure.
Am not able to help myself though,
The future seems to be just too obscure.

I keep thinking what I should do,
I keep thinking what is right and what is wrong.
But again I find nothing as the answer,
And life is still the same old awful song.
Probably I need to change the lyricist,
Coz the lyrics seem to be just too odd.
But this change is next to impossible,
Coz the lyricist is who people call GOD.

I need to find a solution to this crap,
And I better do this soon...
I know that the longer I will be like this,
More diffcult it will be to prune.
But finding a way out is not all that easy,
Specially when you are down and out.
And in the hope that somebody listens,
All you can do alone, is just shout...

I hope somebody listens to my painful cries,
I hope somebody comes on to be my side.
But as they say "You always go alone",
As a man, accept pain as your only bride...
Wanting a companion to share this pain,
Is this really asking too much???
Well I guess it probably is,
Otherwise, HE doesnt let you down as such.

Now I know that I need to understand,
That in the end, you have to fight alone.
At the moment me and my destiny,
Are together playing a game of the dog and the bone!!
Sometimes I am able to win and be happy,
But most of the times its the other way around.
And in this process of winning and losing,
I always end up getting another hurting wound...

I hope I am able to put an end to this soon,
And I have to do it on my own...
I just need to digest this plain and simple fact,
In the end... you always go alone... you always go alone!!!

Just too lost...

Yet again I sit down to write something,
Yet again I have negative thoughts in my mind.
Dont know why all this is happening,
But I am just getting grinded in the grind...

Am not able to think straight these days,
It has been ages since I raised a toast!
Life appears to have lost its meaning,
Gone is my optimism that I used to boast...
Nothing that I do seems to succeed,
Every effort seems to be going in vain.
And I really don't know what to do,
At the moment, I am just in utter pain...

I know that I have to come out of it,
And no one else but only I can do the same.
Don't know how to go about it but,
I have to play the winning move in this game...
I want to get to my old self again,
I want to once again raise the toast!
I want to run away from this me,
This me who feels like a loser's winning post...

Help me through God, help me through,
As you always have through the worst.
All I know right now is that,
I feel just too lost... I am just too lost...