Apne hone par mujhko yakeen aa gaya...

Pighle neelam sa behta ye sama,
Neeli neeli si khamoshiyan,
Na kahin hai zameen, na kahin aasmaan,
Sarsaraati hui tehniyaan, pattiyaan,
Keh raheen hai ki bas ek tum ho yahan,
Sirf main hoon, meri saansein hain aur meri dhadkanein,
Aisi gehraiyaan, aisi tanhaiyaan,
Aur main, sirf main.
Apne hone par mujhko yakeen aa gaya...

I liked the poetry in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara since the first time I heard it. Most of the people did. Amazingly composed by the father and beautifully narrated by the son. Until now, I liked the one in the end the most - "Dilon mein tum apni betabian leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum"..

But now, I realized... rather felt the true meaning of the one above. And this will now stay with me for all my life.

I went to Oslo for the Christmas weekend. The city was shut down and we had nothing to do. So decided that the next day, we will go across the country driving. This is the drive that we did:

The train route between Oslo and Bergen is known to be one of the most scenic train journeys. But we decided to take the road. I luv driving! And the road didn't disappoint yet again.

But little did I know that it will be a life changing drive for me. The entire drive was very beautiful... snow all around... mountains, snow and road. Stunning combination.. and it was all the more beautiful in Norway. The fjords there are worth every penny that you spend. There was this absolute magical moment on that drive.

It was total snow.. strong winds... low visibility... and we were driving. People were scared to drive and wanted to turn back. But I was like I want to get out of the car and feel this on my skin. It was just so magical that I couldn't let it go. Looked for a spot to stop, and I went out. It was amazing.. Stood out and smoked a cigarette in that. Looking around, I could see everything was just white. The winds gave it a foggy effect. Felt like I am standing in heaven. And there's no one but me. Just me! And then this poem came to my mind. It was a nirvana / moksha moment for me.... Aur mujhe apne hone par yakeen aa gaya!

I have been pretty negative in the past sometime. I promise that ends now! The song for me right now is:

Pink Floyd - Coming back to life

 After a long time... I am back!

Cheers!

P.S. I will post another long post on the trip (hopefully with some pictures if they come out good). This was more about the special moment...

Wherever you will go...

Kinda like this song..

You're always in my heart

A couple of things that she said will stay etched in my mind:

"You tried to control my life"

I agree that I did get over-possessive.. or may be even obsessed with her... but that was because I just luv her a little too much. And you don't just say this when you end the relationship right?? She never told me she felt that way... she always said that she is trying to change herself for me and that she is doing it out of her own will... she said she luved me too much to see me getting hurt because of her... And I believed it... and hence this came as a shock... a crude shock...

"It is "just" a relationship that didn't work"

And I thought it was more than that... for me, it was... for me, it will always be... for me, it will never be just a relationship that didn't work. She is all I see... I have always believed in one thing.. from a very young age - There's nothing that can't be sorted out between two people... you just need to talk about it and find a common way... you just need to make some adjustments.. there's no relationship in this world that doesn't need compromises...

I have been getting sleepless nights... these two statements she made just keep going on and on in my head... And all this really makes me think of one of the posts that I wrote... "I defeated me"

She sent me a song one day... and now, after all this, I don't think she meant it... I want to send the same back to her today... and trust me, I still mean it... I always will...



Whenever I said I luv you.. I always meant it... I meant it forever... Ladai and all is ok... But from my perspective, I can never part from her... I was ready to accept her with all her shortcomings... she couldn't take one in me...!

The sleepless nights..

Another one of those sleepless nights... this is the third in a row now.. and getting too much to bear.

I keep turning around in the bed but dont get any sleep. I have had stark different feelings in these three nights though:

Sunday night - I was anxious. I was anxious as to what will she say. I was anxious as to what will I say to her. I was anxious as to what will our future be. What would have she decided. Stuff like that. Obviously hoping for the good things.

Last night - I was broken and devastated. I thought that this is fucked up shit. Many a songs kept playing in my head all throught the night.. the songs she said that she "meant" for me.. I wondered how things changed so much in a couple of weeks..

Tonight - It's pure hatred and some disgust... She's really been a fucking bitch to me. After all that I was ready to accept her with, And only because I luved her... I just luved her beyond measure... I dont believe that she did what all she did...! I dont believe she said what all she said.. I know I have possessiveness issues.. Guess that was too much for her to handle..

Anyways.. as I said in my last post also, I promise myself that I wont fall in luv again.. ever..!

Luv don't live here anymore..

I am devastated... totally and completely destroyed!

And one thing I promise to myself.. I will never fall in luv again..! Have just had enough of the crap..

Running away....

Nothing too much to write really.. just came across another brilliant song and wanted to share..


Enjoy the song.. tell me if you like it..

Aur ho...

Another amazing song from the same movie... beautiful lyrics:



The song is very close to what I presently feel. And hence all the more reason for me liking the song. :-)
But that's actually not the point. Listen to it, it really is an intense expression of emotions.

The best part of the song for me is:

Main hasrat mein ik
Uljhi dore hua..
Suljha de..

Main dastaak hoon
Tu band kiwadoon sa
Khulja re..

There is something in these lines that touches deep inside. It's shows helplessness to me. Where-in you can do nothing but just hope that things fall in place... and you are asking for help... And this happens to everyone I guess... or not? I don't know..

Anyways, another reason for liking this particular bit is that it is shot at the Charles bridge in Prague. And I have very fond memories of that place! That is one of the most romantic places that I have been to... Or maybe the company I had was just too good to not care about the place.. :-) But yes... that is one place I would want to go again to!

Enjoy the song...
Cheers!

Hope...

Kaagar Kaagar mori itni araj tose 

Chun chun khaiyo maas...

Arajiya re khaiyo na tu naina more

Khaiyo na tu naina

Mohe piya ke milan ki aas...

How can somebody express like that! Amazing.. stunning.. unbelievable! I can't even write words to describe what has already been written.. so will not attempt on this one! 

But this is unbelievable faith in hope... And this will stay very close to my heart.. always!

And I will wait all my life.. because hope never dies.....

Just Breathe...

I am just so so hooked to this song... it keeps playing in my mind all the time. So I thought I will share it here..




It is a beautiful beautiful song... I luv Eddie Vedder! He is somehow very easily able to convey about human emotions.. and you can so easily relate to him! I don't think I have heard much better!

The last lines of the song are my favorite:

Hold me till I die,
Meet you on the other side...

Hats off Eddie!
Cheers!

Tick Tick Tick...

Time is just not going by
An hour is a day and a day is a week
I need to find some other thing to do
Always I can hear the tick tick tick

Or may be I just need to stay high
But alcohol doesn't seem to do the trick
Again I need to find some other thing
So I don't hear this tick tick tick

There were times when I was fine
Living in a cage with the walls so thick
Nothing could ever cross those walls
Not even this blaring tick tick tick

Oh I miss you so so much
Without you, life is just not slick
I keep thinking about you all the time
With you, I never heard the tick tick tick

I have to build my life back together
And I have to build it brick by brick
How to do it and from where to start
I can't do it with this tick tick tick

I want to just lose the track of time
And feel as if it is passing by too quick
For now, somebody stop the fucking clock
Killing me is this tick tick tick...

Going back...

The trip is coming to an end.. I am going back on Saturday night. And as I already told you, it has not been a good trip as such. But one thing that I have decided to try is not to write depressing. At least not all the time.

So, in this post, I will write about whatever little good things happened on this trip and not the others. There havent been many actually but a couple at least.

First was when I met a friend of mine, Vishal Masih, after something like close to 6 years!! Co-incidently we both were in India and he got my number from somewhere... and we met.. it was nice catching up with him and meeting his wife and the cute daughter. Though it was a quick breakfast meeting, but it was all nostalgic..

Then, Goa didnt go too well as was not in the best of spirits then so will not talk about it. But Himanshu's wedding went good. It is good to see two people who luv each other tie that knot!! I was, yet again (!!!), the "doli" driver and it is a good feeling. And you get all the importance that comes with it! :-)

That is all actually. Rest there were no highlights and I spent most of the time just lying at home. Things are not good at home and there is always a stiffness in the air... Hope it gets better and we have some good times to come...

I miss Snow a lot... a lot actually! But then have to come to terms somehow with it... And I will.

As of now, I am dreading going back to Amsterdam! To that loneliness! Let's see how I cope up...!

Cheers!

Fucked up...

It has been a disastrous Indian trip for me so far... Never has a trip home been so disastrous before...

And today was the pinnacle of disasters... I broke down in front of my family and couldn't really tell them the reason. I have been feeling too alone, too let down, too left out... Was trying to tackle it so far but then couldn't. We were sitting and watching TV and I just broke down... nothing triggered it but just that couldn't hold it in further.

Assured the family that I am fine and that it will get alright... They are worried.. they are worried about me going back and staying alone again... in fact, I am worried too... I don't want to stay alone any longer... Maybe I do want to switch back to India... may be it was really a bad decision to move to Amsterdam.. there is no job satisfaction, there is no personal satisfaction, there is basically nothing... why did I move.. I shouldn't have. And now, I don't know what to do... it is too early maybe to switch back... No idea what I would do... I just don't want to stay there any longer I think...

I don't know what's in store... I don't know what I will decide... I don't know how I will handle this... all I know is that I am just too fucked up at this point in time... !! :-(

Untitled...

It's a long long road
There are plenty a turns
Will I be able to hold on
I doubt and my heart burns

What did I not do
Where did I go wrong
Oh yes, expecting is where
I think I did go wrong

But I expected only what I could give back
Sometimes I just wanted you to ask
I did ask for everything I wanted
But for you, looks like it was a tough task...

I never had different rules
I never was about the I
But you think that I was
And that thought makes me want to die...

There is nothing that I can do
You are always on my mind
I keep seeing you everywhere
To anything else, I am pure blind...

But life doesn't go on like that
And this, I need to change
How, I have no fucking clue
Coz you are my luv, you are my rage...

P.S. Didn't get any title, so just kept it untitled..

I defeated me...!

Tried hard to walk the line
For a while, all was so fine
Long ahead I didnt foresee
In the end, the I defeated me

We were so good together
With you, the world was so much better
But I, me, mine was all I could hear
Slowly it became too much to bear

Hoped you would do simple things for me
But realized it was not to be
In the sun, wished you to be the tree
But in the end, the I defeated me

There was so much we could do
You and I were not meant to be two
Wanted to always wake up next to you
Kiss you and tell you that I luv you

Wanted to spend the days in your arms
And keep luving your endless charms
From all the sorrows, you could set me free
But in the end, the I defeated me

From the shadows, I was running away
You came along, and asked me to stay
I believed you would take away my pain
For sometime, life was in the fast lane

But all good things do come to an end
Some soon and others, a little they extend
I always will luv you and want us to be
But doubt that to happen, because the I defeated me...
The I defeated me...

 

A kiss...

What is a kiss?

It is a connection between two hearts. You feel closer to the person when you kiss with luv. You feel connected. You feel that you are not alone. You feel that she will be there. You feel happy. You feel safe. The world and its problems just dissolve. You feel like kissing again. It makes you forget everything else!

Isn't it true? Well.. I feel that. Kiss can also be a symbol of lust. But what is wrong in lusting for someone you luv? What is wrong in lusting for the woman of your life? I am in no way advocating one night stands or random kissing around!

This is an ever so old topic of argument between a man and a woman. A man would anytime and always want to kiss his woman while women are different. They have to make up their mood to kiss. The biggest problem is that there is no resolution of this problem. If there was, it would have happened long time back in the history somewhere. :-)

Anyways... were just some thoughts coming in my mind and thought will just write them down.

To kiss is to luv
I know there are other ways too
You feel the closest when you kiss
Trust me baby... its true...

To infinitely many more kisses full of luv..!

Cheers!

P.S. A kiss once changed my life... I am sure would have happened with many of you.. :-)

Longest Day...

Perfect timing for the DST to turn off! 


I just wanted to go through today as quickly as possible. Sometimes, the time just doesnt go by isnt it? And at that very day, the day becomes longer by an hour! I so hate it! One more hour to somehow kill... Today was already feeling to be the longest day to me... and then I realize I have one more hour!! :-(


Last time when I was in Europe on this day, I was actually so happy with the DST being off... it just meant an extra hour to sleep then... :-) Things change... perspectives change... priorities change.


Anyways, I really am not even in a mood to write much... so will just end.


Fuck you DST!

Randomness...

Disclaimer: This will be a random post and might have some disconnected talks.


I have been thinking a lot in the last few days. Over random things. Over everything. Over the events that have taken place to make me who I am, to take me where I am. Over a lot of things actually. Some of them I don't even know. Weird? :-)


Anyways... the main was that we don't let our lives just take its path. We try and live a calculated life. We try and calculate everything. If I do this, that will happen and if I do that, this will happen. That kind of shit. But why? Why can't we just live randomly? Why can't we just live carefree? Why can't we just not give a damn? Randomness is the law of nature isn't it? I don't know. I just keep raising questions to myself with no answers.


Remember when we were kids? We had nothing at all to worry about. Yeah I know homework was a big ask! :-) But that was all! Rest nothing. Just play weird games life kho kho, gallery, etc etc. And nothing else to worry about. 


But that all gets lost somewhere. And we start running. After different things but everyone is running. Trying to create happiness. Trying to find happiness in things that probably will never make you happy. When was the last time you just followed your heart without thinking of the consequences? The brain has taken over the heart completely. We are becoming more like machines than humans. With artificial intelligence!


This is not how I like things to be. When I think of it, I used to follow my heart when I was a kid and I was very happy then. But now I don't and I am not happy. So the simple formula for happiness:

There's a lot to life

Do not make it so hollow

Listen to your heart

And the brain will follow

It is very easy to put this in words but extremely difficult to follow..! I hope I do... someday... sometime...


Cheers!

The Scottish Affair

Just came back today morning from Scotland... there are two parts of the trip that I want to talk about:


1. Scotland is beautiful. Though my trip was very short (just a weekend)... but Scotland is definitely worth much much more than that. The reason I planned such a short trip was that I have no leaves and I at least wanted to get the feel of Scotland before my UK visa expires (I am not going through that painful process again!!).


Saw only a couple of cities there: Edinburgh and Glasgow. The moment I reached Edinburgh city from the airport, and we were walking to our hostel, my first words were: "I think I am going to luv this city". The city has such a historical and authentic feel to it. Cobbled streets, old buildings, and ofcourse a lot of bars and pubs. We reached on Friday night and the city was just so lively. Saturday too the city was bustling. Bagpipers playing all around, street shows etc etc.


And as we went to the Edinburgh Castle, I fell in luv with the city all over again. Now, I am not too much of a fan of castles and museums (probably have seen a lot too much).. but this one was the one! If you have to see one castle in your life, I bet it is Edinburgh! And the war museum in the castle... whoa... I luv Scottish people after that! (though I still maintain that they are too arrogant!). Better words, I respect the Scottish war heroes!


And then Glasgow... didn't like the city too much but then went on a tour of Glengoyne distillery (said to be the most beautiful distillery in Scotland). And it indeed was beautiful... the drive was just so scenic... tasted the 10, 12, 17 and 21 year olds there. And 17 year old was amazing! It was a totally different single malt... And the tour indeed was very informative. Talked quite a bit with the tour guide and now I know a little more about the drink I probably luv the most. :-)


2. I got totally exhausted on this trip... firstly because there was endless walking to do! I might have walked something like 15-20 km in two days! But I guess it was worth it.


Second (and the bigger) reason for my exhaustion - I was not in the best of the spirits for this trip. I was too down and low on the personal front. But then could not spoil the trip for the others, so had to constantly and consciously keep on laughing around and smiling and talking. Now, I am not a person who can do this very easily. If I am disturbed, I am disturbed! So all that fake behaviour and all took a lot of effort for me. Trust me, a lot of effort! And I got really tired with all that fake smiling. This is becoming too long, so will write another one on this topic sometime... have questions and stuff in mind, so I will write. 


For now, I need some real rest. My jaws hurt... my heart aches... and my mind is numb! 


Cheers!

The End...

It is too difficult to end anything isn't it? Except a boring movie I know. :-) My PJ capabilities are degrading by the day I see with that one! Sorry! :-)

But coming back to the point... I think it is very difficult to end anything good in life. But then, at times, you have no other choice but to do it.  Sometimes, it happens on its own. Sometimes, you have to take some steps to do it. Either way, you don't like it ever!

Be it the India-winning-the-world-cup moment... be it the drunk-and-never-drinking-again moment... be it a heart-sharing-session-with-a-friend moment... or be it the she-is-the-one moment...

The last one in those is the toughest. One of the reasons for that maybe is that "that" feeling is not so frequent as the other ones. I rarely get that feeling for quite sometime in my life now... But, you got to do what you got to do. When things are not working good, you have to let them be. End of the day, it is you who should be happy. If you don't feel cared enough for, move on. I know it is easier said... but then I did say that I am talking about the tough things here right?

Now the next questions... What do you do? How do you move on? It really is painful to get rid of that thought. When you already have seen you future with her... seen the world-to-be with her... seen, maybe, you future children with her... Basically... to get rid of that I-will-grow-old-with-her feeling...
Time heals all... that's what they say. And that's what I will believe in. Although, when it's me, I know that the wounds don't heal up too soon... I take ages... But someday I will...

Another day, another time... for now:

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again!

                                                         -- The Doors

Cheers!

Left Out...

Do you find yourself sometimes wondering why do you care so much about someone? Specially when you don't get a similar kind of care and thought in reciprocation? All your plans are made with the person in mind, but doesn't happen the other way... Do you feel bad about it? Do you feel neglected and unloved and uncared for? I do.

Do you wonder why is no special thought given about you anytime? At times, you will want it all the time and not just anytime. Specially if you have limited time you know you will spend together. Don't you? I do.

It has happened with me quite a few times. In the past, in the present, and I am sure in the future too. But I have never learned my lesson. I know that it is just stupid or plain idiotic of me. But yeah... I have never learnt my lesson and the same with so many other things. I just don't learn! I always have thought in my mind that I have learnt. But when the situation comes again, I am again the same caring lover and the one that gets hurt in return. And I have been told every time that I am over sensitive. Makes me really feel that I am abnormal then. Makes me feel that something for sure is wrong with me. So many people can't be wrong can they?

Or is it that I just give myself too much when I am in luv? Is that right? Should you keep yourself even when you are in luv? Should you plan for only yourself even when you are in luv? Should you not try to make the other person feel special all the time? Should not do things, cancel your plans, do things that surprise the other person?

I don't know what crap really have been writing. But just a free flow of the mind actually. May not think the same tomorrow. But the circumstances are making me write this. I feel left alone... I feel uncared for... I feel left out...

I need someone for whom I am the world... I need someone who thinks of me all the time... I need someone who cares for me more than anything else in the world... I need someone... I need me!

No one can luv you like you do
You are the master of your feelings
No one can make you feel special
You are the one who can cause your healing!

Cheers!

The Untold...

Until the lion has a historian, the hunter will always be a hero!

A line from a graffiti wall in the National Museum in Copenhagen. Read it... and was in a state of trance for a while. I don't think I have read many of such emphatic statements. Beautifully put in words. And it was the highlight of my trip. Left me a little messed up though. :-)

To me what it means is - there must be many many untold stories in this world. You never know the complete truth since none told / wrote about many of the things. We only know things that are written in the legend. Someone we consider a hero, might not have actually been one. Someone we consider a good leader, might not have been that good. Someone might have lived on to be a hero but died without being written about. And is dead forever!

Leaves you with just too many questions and unsettles your mind. At least it did that to me. Suddenly I have started doubting all that I have read or studied about history. Moreso, what is written could be false. May be one king wanted himself to be remembered as the most powerful ever... So he made a historian write stories about him... anything could have happened.

No one told the lion's side of the story right? May be the lion is the real hero... Someday, somewhere, somehow... we will discover the truth! The complete truth...

Amen!

Introspection

I don't know why a conversation I had with a friend long time ago is coming back to me today. And it has been happening since the morning and so I thought I might as well write about it.

It was an sms conversation and was sometime back in 2009 I think. I told her that I missed the past and all the fun we had when the entire gang was together in Mohali and stuff like that. Those random Kasauli trips, all nighters on my roof, in the nick of the moment parties etc etc etc. And as I wrote, I again miss those times. :-( Indeed awesome it was. :-)

Anyways, at the end of the discussion, I told her that I somehow am still stuck in the past. And she said:

"Life never stops to grieve with us"

And I couldn't say anything after that!

This is one of the biggest negatives I think I have in me. I get stuck to people, to things, to events and to what not. I just don't move on. Not so easily at least. And this has caused me a lot of pain and a lot of missed opportunities as well. I know I have written on my blog itself a thousand times that I should learn to move on and I am learning to move on and blah blah blah... But it really has never happened. I take like ages to move on! I just stop, and life and everyone moves on...

Why do I stop when no one does

Why do I get stuck

Why do I get attached so much

Why do I kill my own luck...

Trying to find the answers has been a long journey already for me with no success at all. More than to find the answers, I want to change this aspect of mine. I don't want to get attached. I don't want to be in pain... I hope I learn soon... just soon enough!

Cheers!

Rhyme...

You don't always get what you want
Hard as you may try
You don't always get what you need
Life has it's way to defy


But you will never give up
Cause that's not a wise move
Do you really want it bad enough?
To you, you have to prove


You can't do much about it
But trying is your fate
Try until you succeed as they say
However long may be the wait


Keep moving towards that aim
Take one step at a time
Someday you will get there
And life once again will begin to rhyme...


Cheers!

Whiskey

Show me the way
To the next whiskey bar
Oh, don't ask why
For if we don't find
The next whiskey bar
I tell you we must die...


I am big time sucker for whiskey (as if this is news!! :-D). I like beer too but nothing beats whiskey. That golden liquid... 3 ice cubes... in a broad whiskey class... whoa! There are very few things that can beat this! For me that is. And if the whiskey is a Single Malt... that's just like telling a child that you are not only getting a toy car for your birthday, but one with a remote. Sorry... bad analogy but nothing else struck. :-) I have nothing against Blended or Bourbon also for that matter. I am kind of impartial to any whiskey with just a slight tilt towards the Single Malts.


KK (the actor) once said - "Zindagi mein do hi anubhav shudh hain Major - Single Malt aur Shaurya" (Only two things are pure in life - Single Malt and gallantry)


Ok.. now where is this coming from all of a sudden. I was reading my own blog and felt that I have almost been under depression. (Sorry for making you guys read such depressing stuff, if anyone reads that is :-)). But yeah... felt that I have been writing too depressing. Kind of a self realization. So I thought of writing something else. And I heard this song on the radio... and instantly knew what I will write about.


So... further more to kill depression, I decided to go to the WhiskeyCafe in Amsterdam today. I will go there in the evening. That is one place I have wanted to go to since a friend told me about it. It seems they have all the rarest of rare whiskeys with them. With a passion to serve it. And I feel ashamed when I call myself a whiskey lover and have not been to this place in the 4 months that I have been here! The waiting ends now!


Here I come... pour me a drink...


Cheers!

Untitled - Simple Plan

The title looks cryptic isn't it? :-) 


But there's nothing actually... wanted to write something but was just not able to. And was listening to this song so thought will just post it...


I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me...

Feeling of the day...

Lonely is the feeling of the day
I want to come out of these shades of gray
To feel being loved is what I want
But that's a wish not so easy to grant

I feel crazy and I feel low
Birthday is just another day I used to say
But was never so alone on this day
And loneliness is too heavy to weigh

I kept on waiting and watching
Hoping for some miracle to occur
That makes me feel special on my day
But realized my vision was just so blur

Now this day is getting over
Tomorrow will be the same once again
But I will never forget this day
For it is not easy to forget so much pain...

Turning over a new leaf...

It's my 30th birthday today. And if FB is to be believed... people love me! :-D I have so many wishes there.. 


But the truth? In the past years... The phone never used to stop ringing as the clock struck 12... friends used to get drinks and cake... though the butt kicking part I didn't like that much but now that I think of it... I kinda miss it.. :-) All that cake holi and stuff... people actually used to try and make me feel special...


It has been decreasing slowly and steadily... but this year was a sudden and shocking change.. how many calls did I get this year at 12... ZERO... :-) Rather I ain't expecting too many in the day too... No cake... drinks alone last night... No plans for today either... The loneliness is on an all time high... Guess what.. I asked a friend to come here for my birthday.. probably the first time I did something as stupid and as desperate as that... I just didn't want to stay alone may be... And guess what... I was declined.. :-)


I know I know.. It's my birthday and I shouldn't start the new year ahead on a low or some crap like that I have always been told... Anyways.. so I thought of teaching myself some lesson... To not tie all the hope to some one person... To start and enjoy living alone... To try and control the urge to make that phone call... To start being selfish... 


I hope I am able to stick to this. And that I am able to turn this leaf over. Amen.


Cheers!

Black Forest

Black forest dear Black Forest
You were lovely and great
I am glad I came to you
It indeed was a long due date


I enjoyed all the curvy drives
And you were so good to me
You made me feel like a bird
From the cage who was set free


From Triberg to Freiberg to Strasbourg
Everywhere was nature to immerse
You are so beautiful that for a moment
You took away all my life's curse



Your waterfall was majestic
Your high road was breath taking
The drive to Triberg was the best
And Cuckoo's house was there waiting



Don't be mad at me for this part
But special was the company I had
That made you even more wonderful 
And I just couldn't be more glad


Another date with you I promise
Just pray she will be with me
It will be a perfect setting then
Once again when together are we three...


Cheers!

It's a funny world...

Calvin and Hobbes once had a discussion:

Calvin: "It's a funny world, Hobbes."
Hobbes: "True."
Calvin: "But it's not a hilarious world."
Hobbes: "...Unless you like sick humor."
Calvin: "The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here."

I read it a long long time back but somehow it keeps coming back to me. I love CnH and the simple and subtle manner in which they have always made their point.

Sometimes you world comes crashing down in a matter of a few seconds. And you just stand speechless and have no idea what you will do or what you want to do. Just when you start thinking that everything is perfect and you indeed are happy, the so-called God will play his sickest of jokes as if He drives some sadistic pleasure out of it. Now this is sick humor isn't it?

I don't know how and why this happens, but this does. And with perfect timing always. And you are left out there on your own then. To pick up the broken pieces of your emotions. To try and put together your shattered hopes. To start afresh... yet again.

You just hope that you come out of it sooner than the last time. You just wish yourself luck.

Cheers!

Dear Blog

I love you :-)

You have been here always to hear about all my cribbing and I know that I have spent more times shouting at you than making you feel happy. But you have just patiently stood there and never said a word. You have let me vent out my frustrations, anger, disappointments etc all the time on you. You have always tried your best to keep me thinking and find some answers, though at times it hasn't worked but those times I am to be blamed for.

I am writing this today as I suddenly realized that I never thanked you and just took you for granted. I am sorry about that and I sincerely thank you will all my heart! Thank you for being there in times when I have had none to talk to.


And now don't start thinking that anything's going to change. :-)


Cheers!

Another day, Another time...

Am I right or am I wrong
A thousand questions in my head
As always, there are no answers
I feel I am just brain dead


Holding on too tightly
Has never done no good
But that is probably who I am
That's how I've always stood


I don't want to cause pain
And so I set her free
She's like a river
Her journey is to the sea


I somehow need to survive
These tough times of pain
I am happy and I am good
Myself I have to feign


Another day another time
As she used to say
Somewhere down there
I might have my way...

...

Crushed...
I don't like this
Doomed...

I wanted this to be a bliss

Bruised...

I am bleeding

Crumpled...

I am pleading

Trampled...
I have to get going
Shattered...
I have to keep holding

Defeated...
I should go back to my shell

Annihilated...

That is where I should dwell...

You...

It hurts today

And I miss you..

Alone in the crowd

Can't find my own

Days are the same

But I am not alive

Nights are the same

But I am sleep deprived

Day doesn't get over

When you go away

Don't want any distance

Want you to always stay

If I get you now

I will never say bye

I will just smile

And I will not cry...

Cheers!

Creep...

Somewhere I got lost on the way
I always thought I was special
But things never came along
And I got lost inside of me


There was a time I was happy
Feels it was long long back
Nothing seemed to matter then
I was just so carefree


I can't seem to hold me together
I feel like I am a broken soul
The scars just keep on increasing
And it hurts and its killing me


I don't know how to change
Can't see anything in this glare
The sun is shining too brightly
I need a shade, I need a tree


I want to go away
Far far far away
Deep into the wild
And leave here my brain
So there are no memories
And there is no pain


"I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here"


P.S. The last part is the song "Creep" by Radiohead but put it here as this is the closest to how I feel..

Crossings

Some roads you are not meant to walk
Some paths you are not supposed to tread
Some tracks you never should take
Some crossings you always dread...

Expectations... yet again :-)

Expectations are ruining
(They take their toll ever again)
Expectations are devastating
(They just cause all the pain)


Expectations are wrecking
(They break me down)
Expectations are frustrating
(They just make me frown)


Expectations are downing
(They push me down that slope)
Expectations are shattering
(They take away the hope)


Expectations are baffling
(They play with the skull)
Expectations are crushing
(They make me feel like a null)


Expectations are shrinking
(But they are difficult to let go)
Expectations are diminishing
(They should be done without I know)


Expectations make me expect
(And that is where all goes wrong)
Expectations have a deep effect
(Let them go before it's too long)


Expectations are what I should not have
(Where all is just in my mind)
Expectations should not make me crave
(I can't live on like I am blind)


Cheers!

Unclear thoughts..

Some thoughts have been running in my head and so will just write something here. As I have always said, one of my beliefs is that in the process of writing, at times you do find some clarity. So in that hope... here goes..

What do you do when you care too much

And not get that back in return

Should it be accepting the shortcomings

Or should the common path be learnt

Is it okay to keep too much of I
And just be stubborn to be a 'me'

Or should some efforts be made

To make life good and change into a 'we'


Should it be what I want
Should it be what I like
Or should I think of us and
Do what I must to make you smile
It should be more about the other
That's what I believe and I try
But I have been wrong before
And in the end I always cry

Naah.. let it be. Ain't able to write properly and have really not been able to get any clarity. The belief has flopped today. :-( Need to do some more thinking it seems and figure out what I should do.

Anyways, other than these stupid thoughts, life is kinda ok. Last weekend was super. Snow was here and it was awesome fun with her - watching the movie, going to some pubs and just roaming around in the city. This weekend went for a random unplanned trip on Saturday to Antwerp, Belgium in Sudhakar's new BMW 318i. It was ok, nothing too great as such. Sunday was all about lazying around. I do love to really laze around like a dog at times.. rather most of the times. :-) And it actually looks like the coming two weekends are going to be like that. God.. it is just Monday today and am already thinking of the weekend..!!

Cheers!

Crawling

Walking through the storm
Living like a worm
Not how it was supposed to be
But how it turned out to see


Lights and darks and brights and dulls
Goes on forever in the skull
Aint getting nowhere with this
Will it somehow turn back to a bliss?


What road to take at this fork
Or do nothing and just be a dork
Honestly, dont have a freaking clue
Is this also one of those flukes?


Too many thoughts too little words
Not making sense not hitting any chord
Thought too far ahead and too early
Will it cost too dearly?


Need some assurance, need some comfort
Has to be fast, has to be prompt
Will it really come this way
Will it just keep hanging by the bay?


So many questions and no answers at all
Time and life just seem to crawl
Back no option, ahead not possible
Life is easy, it's just not simple


Crawling is the only option
Crawl is all that can be done
Walking through the storm
Crawling like a worm...


Cheers!

Fun times...

Hmm.. sitting in office and writing this post. Am in a Friday mood and really don't feel like working. So thought will just chat up a little. :-)

Furthermore not interested in working as am pretty anxious.. waiting for a friend who is coming over tonight. It should be a real fun weekend. Hmmm.. Let's see.

Last weekend actually turned out to be better than I had expected. London was fun. Beautiful weather... awesome tubes.. good architecture.. over crowded at places to make me get that you-are-back-in-Delhi feel :-)... a good day's awesome cricket at the Home of cricket.. lots of beers with friends... Lovely food... so a good deal altogether.

Talking of food.. man I can never forget the food I had at Nando's... It was just bloody brilliant..! I could not ever think that a man of as little an appetite as me can eat that much... I actually ordered a dish twice..! :-) and then awesome desserts too.. :-) It indeed was good food.. One of the highlights of the trip for sure.

What else... yeah it was good overall. And this weekend will again be super.. wow.. two back to back fun weekends... now that's a rare thing that happens to me these days. And I am just loving it!

Writing this post is taking longer than it should.. I hate these official discussion calls when I am in this mood and am writing. But then there's no getting around them is there? Nevermind.. I think I can manage a little work at least :-)

Will finally watch Zindagi Na Milegi Dubara.. can't believe that I waited all this time to watch this movie. Super reviews and all but had to wait. This friend of mine... ok enough... let me give her a name... let's call her Snow.. So yes, Snow asked me to wait as she wanted to see the movie (poor girl lives in a village and doesnt get to see Hindi movies in a cinema hall **grin**)... And I actually did.. Get to see it tomorrow then.. Now it better be good for all that wait! Will do some pubbing with her... Would be fun and I indeed am looking forward to it!

Alright.. enough for now.. c ya later then!

Cheers!

Excited.. Am I??

Coming weekend I am going to London. All the facts about this trip should get me super excited.. but somehow I am not.


The facts:

2000th test match in cricket history - 100th between India and England - Sachin Tendulkar looking at scoring his 100th ton and conquering the one ground he has not been able to do well on! - Test team no. 1 Vs Test team no. 2 - a series that will decide who remains on top - venue: the Mecca of cricket: Lords!! - And I am going to see this match!

Now, read the second line of this blog and you will think that I have really gone nuts not to be excited about this. But really - there are very very few things now-a-days that I really get super excited about. I dont know what is wrong with me but I have seen this happen. I take things very normally rather than the normal looking forward to that I always used to do. And trust me, it is more fun to experience something when you start looking forward to it weeks in advance. All that waiting makes it all the more fun to finally get there.

May be I am aging (I prefer this term than saying growing old :-)). With age, one tends to be more calm towards things. May be this is what is happening to me. I never wanted this to happen. I always wanted to keep that youth like fervor in my life. But I really am mellowing down. :-(

But still.. there are some things still that I do get excited about. Like a very dear friend of mine is visiting me next weekend... and I am so so so looking forward to it.. Yeah, I think I get the most excited now when I get to meet good friends of mine... And I don't think that this will ever change.. at least I hope that it won't! I always would luv to share a couple of drinks and catch up with people I luv being with.. and they are very few! :-)

What else do I look forward to now... hmmm... yeah.. I am desperately waiting for the last batman movie by Nolan! :-). cant think of anything else as of now... Will think about it and update! Introspection needed! Till then...

Cheers!

Scribbling...

Just a little over two and a half years.. and I am back :-)

Have moved to Amsterdam a couple of months back and then the house hunting, settling down etc etc. All done now and it is time to start having some fun.

Hmm.. fun... Now that's a fun word. Looking back, it has been missing for quite sometime now for me. Yes, I do some good stuff on and off but there's very little fun really. Have been feeling too alone also lately. Trying to change myself and get used to living alone. Though I have always believed that I am a bit of a loner, it is now that I really realize that it is not so. I like being around with people. And not just any crowd.. but the people I like. Good friends.

But where are they? I don't know. I need a friend. I need a lot of friends. Imagine, have been in Amsterdam but have not been doping... Have not been clubbing... Have not been traveling... Have not been doing nothing... Just have no company!

More so, I think I need a girl friend. I am just tired of being-alone-and-not-getting-over-the-past thingie. But I really do not know how to move on. Meeting the right girl is the key I think. The romantic side in me is getting lost deep inside somewhere. And I need someone before it gets totally lost! If not the right girl.. I think I will have to make do with some wrong ones on the path to discovery. :-D

And I don't know why I crib so much. This place is my favorite cribbing ground it seems. :-)

Anyways.. this was just some scribbling that I wanted to do. Basically giving some voice to my thoughts. I feel relaxed after doing so, though nothing changes and life is still the same. Same old shit! But still!

And I promise I will write more regularly now. That's a promise to myself.

Cheers!